"Ultimate Disasters"

I was so inspired after writing about my diagnosis for Zoey Monster Disorder, ZMD, (found in the previous 2 posts), that I have decided to put together a fabulous new post of all the absolute worst messes ever captured on film. Warning-some images may not be suitable for young viewers or those faint of heart. I repeat, this is an uncut, unedited version with solid waste products included. Here is my masterpiece, "Ultimate Disasters", Starring, Zoey, age 1-3 years old...

Worst Body Paint (next to poop, which takes first place)

To start off our Ultimate Disasters marathon, we begin with little Miss Zoey, who climbed out of her crib, and then, completely covered herself in Desitin baby cream!

It took 3 days to get it all out of her hair, the clothes had to be trashed and her poor room stank to high heaven for weeks afterwards.

Worst Play Day (I still love you, Eve)

One day, our neighbor's daughter, Evika came over to play with Zoey...I am still amazed at the creativity of these two girls who, within minutes, turned Zoey's entire bedroom into one big "puppy playhouse."

Cute, however, I was not all that happy to have to clean it up myself.

And, of course, here they are hiding, like smart little mess makers.

Worst Loft Mess (before the nail polish incident)

Raisins, baby wipes for changing her baby doll, couch cushions pulled apart (with her hiding inside the covers)...

and again, Zoey, after emptying out every one of her toy drawers.

Worst Idea for a toy (but, she loves them)

Magnetix, they seem so harmless...

Until dork head realizes that they stick to metal! Now, I find them everywhere around the house, on the furniture, the fridge, even in the door jams.

Worst Bedroom Messes (no contest)

What can I even say?

My worst nightmare?

Not even...

You haven't seen the end yet.

Worst New Trick (next was the food pantry shelves)

"Up I go, la-de-da"

"I'm so smart, I don't even know Mom's behind me with the camera. Woops!"

Worst Animal Feedings (Do not put fingers inside cage)

A nightly occurance, Zoey the terribly ferrocious wild-a-beast, eats her meal and when becoming bored, proceeds to splash and throw her food onto the floor, and ending with a final smile at Mom, she carefully pours her milk onto the clean kitchen floor.

Worst Potty Training Accidents (non-censored)

Zoey used to think that she was helping Mama with potty training by trying to change herself and then, dumping the poop out of the diaper by hand into the potty chair as an after thought. What could I say? "Why, thank you, honey."

Soon after, I discovered that we learn best through example. Right, Zoey?

Worst Bathtub Disasters (Okay, get ready)

Just a quick prelude, this is the towel that I had to ring dry two days ago after Zoey decided to pull it into the bathtub to wrap herself inside, making a "boat", as she called it.

Don't Stop Now...This Is It!

Yup, THIS is my worst nightmare ever! In fact, this actually happened tonight, while I was creating this blog post, no less, (how ironic is that?) and no, I'm not kidding.

"Hi, my name is Zoey and I poop in the tub!"

I think this is a real problem. (refer to the definition of ZMD found in post #3 below.)

Of course, now Mommy has to clorox scrub my bath clean, give all my toys a nice little bleach bath and then, give me a brand new second bath!

Here is Zoey's explaination for why she still poops in the tub at age 3.

(She didn't want to get out because it was "freezin'", too cold to sit on the pot, Mom, why not stay in the warm water? Well, it makes sence at least, I'll give her that.)

Worst Funny But, I Shouldn't Be Laughing Episode (okay, it's cute)

And last, but not least, the grand finale'...

"See no evil."

"Speak no evil."

"Hear no evil."

More to Add to ZMD...

I have decided to add a few more items to my evidence files on Zoey's Monster Disorder, ZMD. You can get the full diagnosis on ZMD disorder on the post prior to this one. In this first segment, you should know that nothing is off limits to this child, who seems to believe and has even told me outright, that she is a real "princess" and everyone has to do whatever she says. Enjoy the show!

Zoey's Bedroom

This is Zoey's bed flipped upside down from her laying on her back and kicking upward.

This is fabulous blue dry eraser marker all over her bookshelf...

and on the wall...

and on her dresser...

and her toys...

and on the rug! Isn't that great!?

Mommy's stuff

Zoey, left alone in my bedroom, will empty out every jewelry box and decorate herself, the door knobs and even, her dolls.

Bath Time Fun

If left alone in the tub with the soap down where she can reach it, I end up with this...

The "Bubble Bath Loch Ness Monster"! Fortunately, I have only made this mistake once and it took me nearly ten minutes just to get the darn bubbles to empty down the drain afterwards.

Time Outs

When we first moved into this house, Zoey was about 2 years old, (and of course, back then, the house was still all nice and perfect), we used to put Zoey in her 'time out' at the top of the stairs. Well, it wasn't long before we figured out what she was doing to stay so quiet while waiting for her time to run out...

She was biting holes in the paint, plaster and dry wall, scraping off huge chunks with her teeth! "That will show them!", she must have thought.

"Oh, Yummy."

Next, we moved her to the bottom of the stairs and guess what she found down there to chew on?

Yup, our beautiful and extremely expensive $, wooden window shutters!

See the little bite marks we tried to cover up? I swear, we did not starve the child. The little monster-head just loved the taste of fresh, household paint!

Next, on display, was the time that I foolishly allowed my 3 year old to carry the clorox bleach scrub from one bathroom to the next and she decided to carry it upside down and open, leaving a trail of squiggly lines and small dots on our carpets.

This is the very expensive Pottery Barn rug that we got from Brian's parents sitting in our bathroom. "Now, doesn't that nice yellow sploch mark just add a little something to that plain old one-tone colored rug anyway?"

"I mean, really, who's going to notice?"

I did mention "Purple Polka-Dots" on the bedroom and closet carpet, didn't I? "I mean, gosh, I really just love Clorox products. They are so unpredicable and disasterous yet, so absolutely certain to efficiently brighten up your day and your carpets, not just your toilets! Now, thats a garauntee you can count on!"

Zoey Monster Disorder, ZMD

Zoey has a serious disease. Its called the Monster Disorder. If left alone for long enough, which can be as short as 10 minutes, Zoey suddenly turns into a little monster, sneaking around the house, getting into things and creating major disasters. Here is the proof I have gathered for my medical diagnosis...

Evidence #1:

Zoey discovered a bottle of nail polish in my puse, decided she was going to paint her nails, which ended up being her entire fingers on both hands, and then twirled in a circle, sprinkling "fairy magic" on the carpet. Thats when I walked in, delighted at her creativity, for sure. Yeah, right!

I ended up spending three hours laying on my tummy on the floor, cutting each individual strand of caret with a pair of small hair trimmers. My fingers had permanent scissor indentations on them for days afterward.

Evidence #2:

That same morning, Zoey decided that she was thirsty and tried to pour herself a cup of grape juice. I didn't notice it until a few hours later, at which time, the grape juice had started to ferment, causing the entire kitchen to smell like a wine vineyard and had begun to stain the tile grout black.

Here is the little culprit standing and posing for Mommy.

Evidence #3:

Also, that same morning, as Zoey loves to go and pick out her own cartoons from the library, for some reason, she also loves pulling off the sticker that reads, property of the Las Vegas Library, making it so that the DVD gets stuck inside of the player. This is actually the second time she has done this and only Brian knows how to get them out.

Here is the player stuck open with no DVD to be seen.

Evidence #4:

Today, I woke up after Zoey; my big mistake! This is, by far, the worst mess she has ever made, (tying a close race with the time she took a green dry erase marker to her entire room, marking up her crib, dresser, sheets, walls and rocking chair. I have no pictures of it because I was so shocked and devistated at the time at sight of her "art work" that I went straight to cleaning it up. Luckily, I was able to remove the marker with a little help from clorox bleach scrub and water.) However, as you will see below, this is a photo of our office floor, which is now covered in a lovely shade of bright, blood red acrylic paint! Brian says that it looks like someone was murdered in there and unfortunatly, after calling 2 carpet cleaners, I was told there is no hope of ever fixing this one.

Brian said, "At least we are moving in a few months."

Evidence #5:

Lastly, we found Zoey, who was supposed to be playing outside, eating her popsicle and blowing buubles, inside of our fire pit in the back yard! (Don't even ask me how she managed to get inside and close the lid after herself!)

Here is what she had to say about it...

Thus ends Dr. Mom's theory of my child's crazed behavior, ZMD and also explains what I am now refering to as my "Mommy Maddness"!